Things that confuse me

Here is a short list of things that confuse me. Please note that this is not an exhaustive list; if it was you would fear for my ability to function and manage daily life.

1. Stain removal: I have bought products, watched videos, looked up tutorials on youtube, and I still cannot remove stains from clothing. If a shirt is stained, oh well, hope you like that look because it'll be there forever. Mama has no idea how to remove it! My mother in law could remove the stain from the Shroud of Turin but toss a bit of chocolate on a toddler's shorts and I'm a goner. I simply have no skills. Stains defeat me.

2. Improper punctuation: at Dunkin Donuts tonight I read an advertisement on the door. It had a picture of three muffins, artfully arranged. At the bottom it said Dunkin Donuts. In the middle it said "Chocolate Corn Blueberry" The words were listed, not separated by commas, as they should be, and so I assumed that the advertisement was for a chocolate corn blueberry muffin and said, "Gross." My friend, who is kind and understanding of my stupidity, said, "It's not for one muffin. It's for three different ones. They didn't use commas." I don't get it. I am confused by improper punctuation. Not that I use punctuation properly all the time, but I have an expectation that signs will include proper comma usage. I am confused.

3. Toddler leashes: I'm not judging here, just confused. If my toddler was so bad in public that I had to put him on a leash I would just stay home. Leashing toddlers confuses me. It seems miserable for all parties involved, despite the smiley face on the bear backpack the leash is attached to. MOS was probably bad enough to need a leash but by the time he was walking GG1 and GG2 were able to walk at my side, clutching my shirt, and I held tight to MOS's hand/wrist/arm and forced him to cooperate. He would definitely hare off across a parking lot if given half a chance, but my big girls helped me watch him. Maybe instead of toddler leashes moms should just have older sisters to help. Toddler leashes confuse me.

4. Shower cleansing: I have no idea how to clean the shower. Apparently, housework confuses me (see #1 above). I have purchased lots of different products that promise a clean, mildew-free shower and I can't make them work. I spray after every shower, leave the door open, scrub, apply various creams and ointments, supplicate the household gods that promise a sparkling shower and still, it's grody. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but clearly it's something bad since the shower has never been clean. Ever. I'm confused.

5. Potty training: MOS still has issues. I won't get into them because it will embarrass him as an adult if he knew that his mama put all the details of his little problem on the interwebs but let's just say that I'm confused by him. Tiny, however, is almost completely potty trained and she's not even two and a half. I have done nothing different, nothing special, nothing magical, nothing even remotely unusual but still, this little kid is potty trained and her older brother gives me grief on a daily basis. What is going on? I am so confused. We need professional help over here.

6. My dog: she is a collie, supposed to be a herding dog/watch dog, but she does not bark at people. In fact, she shows no interest whatsoever in people. Oh sure, if someone comes to the house, she'll wag her tail and maybe look at them, but she wanders away, completely uninterested in them. If a stranger comes in the yard, nothing. If someone knocks at the door, she might lift her head from her nap and gaze through the glass door at them, but she won't bark. I have had delivery men recoil in fear when I answer the door with her at my side, but no fear, Penny won't bark or even stick her head out the door. She'll just walk back to the rug and resume her interrupted nap. If our neighbors are out in their yard, she'll glance at them through the fence, but she won't bark or show much interest in them. The meter man comes by and she doesn't even get up from under the tree to investigate. However, if a strange cat dares to come within fifteen feet of our property line, Penny goes absolutely nuts. I mean crazy barking running, hackles up, tail fluffed out, barking, baying, aggressive crazy eyes. How dare a cat walk through the neighbor's yard! How dare that insolent feline attempt to climb the wooden fence! Back! Back! Evil invader! Penny tears up and down the fence line, working herself into a lather over the neighbor's cat. Which she sees every day. And always reacts the same to. Every. Single. Day. I'm so confused. Masked men could steal all of our possessions and Penny would just wag her tail and watch. But if a cat walks across our driveway, she's frothing at the mouth as she tears around in circles, barking her head off. She also barks at our cats. As in, the cats who live in this same house and take naps with her on the carpet. As in, the cats she sees every day. However, once our cat approaches her, Penny sniffs deeply of the Essence of Perdita and turns away, bored. Clearly he is not a danger to our home. Confused, I am. So confused.

Ok, that's enough for now. You are probably wondering how I've made it this far in life. Sometimes I wonder the same thing. I'll share more of what confuses me later because I know that will make you feel better about yourself.